01-25-03
and it's time
11:29
moving now. will write more soon from new home accross town. wishin me luck, y'all.

01-23-03
packing again
00:17
but still not quite enough. really, moving sucks. i'd like to be living someplace else, i'm looking forward to it - but packing all my crap into boxes...
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actually, the last part of that paragraph should have ended at the word 'sucks' - at that point i surfed the web a bit and blew about half an hour on this site. this is as close as i could get to me - they didn't have my hair, so i went all adam duritz. anyhow, go play. the web is fun.

01-21-03
the wait!
21:48
packing. moving on the weekend - my life is in shambles (shambles=boxes). it's uncanny how much crap one can accumulate when living alone. we're doing a few carloads on thursday, then a big van to move the furniture on saturday. i should be packing more now. and i'm putting off laundry, since there's a washer/dryer at the new place - but i haven't done laundry here since before christmas, and clean clothes are getting... ah, slim. we'll see. at this point it seems unlikely, just because there's really no time between now and the move for loads of laundry. i should probably do the dishes though.
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on saturday i knocked over a glass of red wine, which smashed like crazy all over the rug. i go a whole year with no major spills, then ruin the rug a week before i move out - what gives? okay, i didn't 'ruin' the rug - half an hour of scrubbing and it nearly all came out (carpet being steam-cleaned next week, so that should finish it off). i have a feeling this rug's been here for a while, and is as close as is legally possible to being laminated in it's stainproofability.
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i've been sleeping in and missing breakfast lately, and that's no good.

01-15-03
i'm so tired* [*an unfortunate lie]
23:57
home just after eleven. must be in again tomorrow at 8:30. will want to die in the morning, so hard to get out of bed. my sleep schedule is off by at least a couple hours - so i'm never really asleep until 1, and never really awake until 9. makes getting up at 7 a real bitch. props to jeff for a new site. this is definitely the shit.
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despite the mad hours, you should see what i cut today. man... it's just rad.

01-14-03
short
22:06
nothing today really. just home from work. tired. no new pictures either, which is just fine as i'm not yet sure how (or if i should even try) to keep the two columns here even - for now a short text only entry should straighten things out nicely though. (this concept will likely be ignored completely in the near future).
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halfway through the book on mötley crüe - tommy lee just married heather locklear, and nikki sixx is spending $5000 US daily on heroin. rock and roll is fun. i'm very tired, and have been staring at computers all day... good night.

01-13-03
well, that lasted
22:04
my dreamweaver trial just expired. build a new site one day, and have no working software the next. thusly, i urge all you loving ptwfites out there to send me money, that i might buy new software and continue to amuse you with my... ah... musings. 'cause i'll be honest, coding in notepad may have a noble history, but it sure as fuck ain't glamorous.
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nothing important today, not feeling any particularly strong convictions to speak of. wondering how long i'll go this time. think it might be good for me to do this again for a while... pressure to write just might force me to do something with my time. need things to write about. but generally, my days aren't that exciting:
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today was very tired, and had to take a cab to work because i stayed in bed until the last possible moment. bought a scone for breakfast which sat in the room with me all day, until i put it in my bag to bring home, then i forgot about completely until just now - i'm going to get it i think. tomorrow it'll be stale, you know.
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it's kind of stale now. cinnamon raisin. will not finish it. had a very good sandwich for dinner.
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i have just been struck with a fairly devlish thought... you see, i'm out of butter (or margarine - been using margarine but considering a switch - but that's not the point). anyhow i'm out - and on mornings when i get up in time i do enjoy buttered toast for breakfast. but lately i'm out of butter. should i buy more? yes, but i keep forgetting. however i do remember i need butter whenever i'm around butter... and they certainly have a lot of butter at the deli where i buy coffee every morning - a big bin of these little whipped packets. y'know - for muffins and scones and such. tomorrow i may take extra butter, and maybe start a little pyramid on top of the microwave. if this can get me through january i'll be set - moving into a new house in february - and i'm sure they'll have butter.
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sometimes i amaze even me.

01-12-03
version 5.1
19:58
so i'm thinking lately that there's something i'm missing, and it's buggin me. i'd go into a lengthy tirade about all this now, but instead i've decided to watch the simpsons. more later.
probably.
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22:09
see? i am missing something. i had something to say, and yet my personal constitution is so fucked up that fox's sunday night lineup took prioriy over personal expression. what the hell?
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i've come to see myself as more of an observer than as a participant - and it's not even like i'm a particularily good observer. i'm fairly uneducated and pretty self-involved - i'm beginning to doubt my understandings of how the world works, on a number of levels. don't know much about global (or even national) politics, i'm not very refined in any culture to speak of, and since i don't talk much i'm not even that good with inter-personal relations. shit, i'm in film and i've never even seen citizen kane.
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not that i need to - i'm sure it's a great film and that hordes of film makers, goers and geeks will argue it's timeless relevance - but really, there's no fucking way it'd get released today. is that what matters? maybe. my perceptions of film as art or commerce have become fairly skewed in the last year, no doubt in part because i started working in commercials...
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but lately i'm starting to question this shit - the way everyting works, what my priorities are, what i should be aiming to become - i have the mixed blessing of suburban heritage, and it's something i'm dealing with more and more as i become aware or the world around me. i was raised right, sheltered, with good values and no real worries to speak of - part of me feels responsible - obligated even - to try and 'make something of myself' - but wouldn't i just be happier if i moved someplace warm and apolitical to read and learn to surf?
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well... of course not. at least not yet. i'm far too plagued with guilt and vanity for that. plus (and i'm a little ashamed of this), i can't really read anymore. not like i used to. last year i think i read four books, if that. i'm getting better - chewed through great gatsby one week last month, and 2/3 of lolita - but then i just kind of put it down. now i'm reading the autobiography of mötley crüe - which is actually really cool (if questionably relevant). but i've read a sizable chunk of it in the last couple days, and will probably finish it this week. and most of what i've read so far? in the can.
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making images for others to view - photography, design, film - there has to be an audiuence, right? (nb: maybe not, but that's a bag of worms i'm not gonna open now). anyhow, if i disappear, what audience am i gonna reach? is it strange to crave attention for your work, but as little direct personal attention as possible? when i go out, i tend to avoid speaking to people unless i have to. i dress in dark neutral colours to blend in with the crowd, to be anonymous and unnoticed above all else. and yet, look at me now - this fucking blog - what's it if nothing but some cry for attention? chance to express myself in a way that's both highly personal and at the same time highly impersonal - don't know who if anyone is reading (nor might they know me), but i keep doing it (granted, my dedication to it is somewhat erratic, but still - it's been like 5 years now). and all i do is talk about ME - sometimes i try to avoid the using subject in sentences (ie: 'went to the movies today, ate sushi, watched the simpsons...'), but really, who am i fooling? this site is an excuse for me to use the big capitol I - something i do less and less around real people these days. (then again, even when i'm being totally indulgent here ... the 'i' is always a small letter...)
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when i do move to that island to surf, there better be a fucking high-speed internet conncetion.
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i do think the world is changing - that if i'm lucky i'll see a major global shift in... well something within my lifetime. whether it's war or genetics or the environment or the fucking internet, i do think things are coming to a head. and maybe it's wrong to wish mammoth change on things, to hope that things are shaken up (i'll be honest, for good OR bad), but as i've said i'm selfish and indulgent and want to be around to witness it.
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but i don't really want to be directly involved. i'm from the fucking suburbs, remember?
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side note: i think one reason reality television has become so ungodly popular is that electronic communication has limited the amount of direct contact many of us (sheltered) have with other people - compared to 15 years ago, on average it's probabaly quite noteable, especially if you work in an office. suddenly we're getting our unscripted gossipy fix from tv, where people just like you and me are suddenly celebrities (and don't get me started on celebrity reality shows - it's that blue-box mentality - who knew we'd be recycling kato kaelin one day?). i don't know if it's good... but it's something.
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let it be said that i already hate commercials, and that's probably part of what instigated this whole thing - i now have to question my major priorities on an almost daily basis - i'm part of the machine now.
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there's more of this, but i'm going to put up some pictures now. i like the idea of running these columns side by side. see you soon.
probably.

eat me