Reversed 2 Cups • Love
    My Zombie film was just removed from YouTube because child safety policy. I made this in fall 1999 for my Ryerson film class, shot 16mm at the family home in Kanata, starring my brother and friends. In late 2000 for my VFS application I recut the film digitally and added a score (composed by lead zombie and killer musician Jeff Debutte no less). The film was archived on YouTube from January '08, just under 13 years, and retired with 201 views.


QUICK PING (remix)
    I installed a full length mirror last month. For the 10+ years I've lived in my apartment I never had a mirror larger than the medicine cabinet. This huge portal has now arrived and is on the wall for me to finally reflect. Have already started tucking in my shirts.
    I have been learning to cook. Mostly meat and roast vegetables, but preparing simple meals from fresh ingredients at home feels tremendously accomplished. Somehow wonder what I ate for forty years leading up to this. Dan of course is a valuable resource and full of ideas when prodded. He's doing fine albeit worried that his industry will be decimated again when patio dining in the Ontario winter becomes untenable.
    My shrink is retiring. Knew this was coming eventually but suspect end of the year will arrive quickly. Have been speaking with this fellow weekly for five years and the impending breakup is very troubling. I mean I get it, but fuck.
    Nothing happens with my crush in the USofA. Hormones and biology seemed to carry me high for a good run, but after two months of no actual human woman being present the whole system seemed to yell false alarm and went back into hibernation. Will never say never but rationally this particular lady seems fully Unavailable. Alas. Am now faced with the daunting prospect of dating locally, because darn if going this alone hasn't become tiresome.
    Clearly -gestures broadly- plague concerns persist.
    A woman on my block - Tasha - died last week. One of these ever-present neighbourhood fixture ladies whom you always talk with in passing and reckon might last forever. I mean not really, it turns out she was only 45 and a heavy drug user, which leads to looking much older and lasting for less than forever.. still I'm kinda broken up, this crazy witch house I used to walk by now bare. There are waves of drug deaths here related to supply line issues, with the borders closed- just another underground epidemic connected to this mess.
    Politically, shared concerns suggest a bleak road ahead, with no-win choices faced by so many. I wish to hell that the US Democrats had done better. Maybe they'll wise up and finally run The Rock against DT in 2024. Maybe Biden will squeak in this year and then politely die so Harris can get some shit fixed. Maybe these are still good times. Sometimes I really despair, friend.
    I do continue to work. Doing graphics again after a few months of editorial; was cutting sales reels - one for a Detroit hip-hop show, now being pitched - the other a true crime nightmare that was among the most objectionable projects I've ever been a part of (nb - per below should specify - I wasn't 'fired' from this murder show - rather the US network wanted to work with their own team to craft something very specific... which also didn't work out. So I still got paid and the prodco is starting from scratch again). Personally I'm real glad to be back in graphics for now.
    Also early talk of producing an actual film, which is news, albeit not much news just now. Percolating though, and real - neXt pls.
    I haven't been hugged since all this began and it's pretty rough sometimes. Overall I'm on an upswing but you know, fuck. Etcetera.
    Have you watched Succession? Best show in years man, pedigree AF from Jesse Armstrong and Adam McKay. No I still haven't seen Peep Show. Shut up.
    Hugs to you and everyone. Despite the broken days I still Love everything like crazy most of the time. Blessings, nerd.


    So today I got fired from the murder show and the girl told me I suck. Also there's smoke in the street from the world on fire, Vancouver briefly had the worst in air on Earth today. Dafuq.
    Life on Venus tho, so that's neat.


    So here is the deal. I met this woman online and she seems great. I'm aware that I've spent a long time in the desert, so first waters seem extra sweet, and initially proceed w caution. But we hit it off and have been txting continually since the start. We swap pics and talk on the phone and I flutter like a fucking teenager.
    My body is going haywire. Nothing romantic has fired in an age and now unfamiliar chemicals are spinning me about. Focus is all over and the volume is turned down on everything else.
    She lives in America, 2000 miles from me. She has a child and can't really come here. I can visit but there is plague, and if things actually go well then maybe we're in this long distance thing that seems contingent on my eventually moving to America at maybe the worst time since the civil war. There are additional players and complications where she lives. Could I even live and work there.
    On top of this, all month for work I've been doing editorial on a sales reel for a tv show called Black Widow Murders - true crime episodic about seemingly perfect women who kill multiple husbands. So I have two computers, and on one is the sweetest ongoing chat you could think while the other is my grimdark project of sad people telling awful stories.
    Fam I am quietly losing my shit.


    So since we last spoke, the world has ended. But let's back up.
    Last year I decided to use this space to explore qabalah and the Tree of Life. We would climb the tree, exploring the spheres upward from 10 to 1. (The
qabalistic tree of life is essentially a filing cabinet, a correspondence and classification system for everything in the universe. Qabalah also indicates a structure behind all manifest events and each individual human soul).
    My plan was to retcon the existing PTWF yin-yang years of 2016-17 into MALKUTH, the bottom and tenth sphere (KINGDOM; the Body, the Earth, the Basics). 2018 was already mystic and purple, so it could be YESOD (FOUNDATION; Independence, the Moon, the Machinery of the Universe). Then 2019 was orange, HOD (Glory; Mercury, Reason), the eighth Sphere. But moving into 2020, I second-guessed going forward. So much of my efforts now are in basic real-world repositionings, I figured maybe we should start properly at the beginning of things, giving MALKUTH and YESOD their full due. There's a path on the tree from 8 to 10, so my HOD year could still count. Intending to back up, I made graphics for MALKUTH - but didn't upload. Something still felt off...
    ..and then the world ended. The novel coronavirus Covid-19 swept over planet Earth and shut everything down, quarantining most of the general population at home - things halted earnestly in North America in early March (much sooner in some parts of the world) and lockdown has been continuous for more than 100 days now. Stages of isolation here have tended to include: denial, Tiger King, bread-making, and civil unrest.
    That last one is more than a little concerning - the murder of George Floyd by an American police officer detaining him has lit simmering populations ablaze. All over the world, protestors crowd the streets (in defiance of still-vital quarantine rules) to speak out against pervasive police brutality. Many events remain civil and peaceful, but in larger cities a crackdown is evident - militarized police and private security forces seem to be using combat and suppression tactics against citizens. Tear gas and rubber bullets. The imagery is horrifying, and again and again I hear We were being peaceful and they just ATTACKED us, for NO REASON--. The reason would seem to be letting us all know that citizens should be afraid of the police.
    And while all this goes down, the stock market (once described to me as 'a graph of rich people's feelings') keeps going up. It would seem the world's wealthy enjoy seeing Imperialism enforced.
    Anyhow I looked at the tree and the path from HOD(8) to NETZACH(7) is called PEH (פּ). It's the 27th path, its element is Fire, and its planet is Mars. And its tarot is the motherfucking TOWER
    Perhaps right now the less said about that the better, have described the situation enough - but I'm being optimistic and moving forward - up the tree. 2020 is Peh. Welcome to a time when absolutely everything comes crashing down, when the foundations shake in ways you've never even imagined. Welcome to PEH - TRUMP XVI - THE TOWER.
    Why is this path optimistic? Because on the other side of this lies the seventh sphere - NETZACH: VICTORY.


last year