191218
0001pst
8 Cups • Indolence
GADZOOKS
    In 8 hours I will fly to Ottawa to spend Christmas with my family for the first time in ages. We will see Star Wars on Christmas Day, putting a swell bow on aspects of childhood. It is potentially a deeply spiritual experience. The week has been a blur - work picked up all at once and I broke my 6-week fast to binge on cannabis again. I'll begin sobriety anew and may need to go to some meetings or something, am disappointed with myself over this. Was broke these last few weeks - spent 2 hours riding the bus today to pick up cheques that were actually dropped at my house this evening. Flung myself across the city and back just for the sake of it I suppose. Glad to be slightly liquid again, alleviates some silliness and woe. Now is a good time for packing, have checked most of my boxes for now.
    In January I begin the Magick.me Adept Initiative, an advanced personal development course. I am doing this because it's time for me to fucking actualize. The process is already affecting me and there's a lot to contemplate. December being the darkest time here, and spending so much of it with family, roots - This is space for reflection and understanding. The mantra, unceassing - WHO AM I -

 

 
  191010
2252pst
7 Swords • Futility
OK
    Today I skipped morning practice BUT - I picked up a job, cleaned my apartment, and arranged a meet tomorrow with the owner about finally fixing my bathroom. So even though the world is still a bit on fire I'm feeling a little better about things.
    PS: FREE HONG KONG.

 

 
  191002
2211pst
QUEEN OF WANDS
I MEAN WTF
    Watery part of Fire. Emotional Will. WTAF.
Everything is strange. Still. Again. I've been stone sober for about a month. Time is wonky and dreams, heck. Dreams. Want to say I'm writing but I'm not. Want to express spiritual progress but things are just-- ughg. Practice is just that - Practice. Every day. Shower, banish, meditate. Then somehow fill time until tomorrow. FOCUS would be everything, and it seems like a pain. I can see this sheen of Future but it's just flickering. Convincing myself I have value. My bathroom ceiling is rotting apart and my fucking slumlord owner won't pay any attention. I do my best to stay present and committed to perfect health, but the past keep screaming that I'm worthless. Progress is slow and I know i keep getting in the way. Last week i realized there was a stopped clock on my wall, for like 5 years. My Dad hung it up when I was sick, and while I like the clock itself it's too loud to keep running and the aesthetics of where it's placed were awful. Finally taking it down felt like a great accomplishment. Just just fuck. Namaste.

 

 
  190724
22:21pst
2 Cups • Love
RAMEN
    I'm pretty tired now. I've stopped smoking grass and so get up earlier and seem to have much longer days, tho I sleep better. I'm drinking more, so watching that, none today. I'll probably need to go fully sober if this is going to take. A couple of weeks back I watched all of Stranger Things 3 while drinking bourbon, and afterwards I recorded a podcast. At least one guy really enjoyed but it's not linked here because when I listened to it back all I heard was a drunk - a guy with substance issues. So I stopped drinking and didn't record another podcast.
    I've been starting to properly learn Qabalah this summer. It's one of those systems that pops up a lot in esoterica and eventually connects everything with everything else, so once I dug in there was a lot of familiarity. Hebrew is a bit of a challenge but I'm just doing the basics. Seeing yod and lamed in sidewalk cracks, kind of a hoot.
    I spend a lot of time on the Magick.me discord channel, where I'm a moderator (actually the other guy quit today, so I'm the only moderator..). Most of my socializing is actually through discord these days - Dr. Clark would encouraging me to get out in the world more (have begun to resume therapy as well, because shit, time for a new script). I was working at home last week and about half way through my day just got run down and super sad, because I hadn't had any meaningful human contact in days. I went through my short rolodex of friends and no one was free, but have managed to see some folk since, which is nice. IRL none of my friends are into magick and online they all are, so I kind of don't know where I'm at entirely nowabouts.
    Meanwhile have started meditating again, 3 weeks in. Burning a lot of time browsing memes, eyes glazed, listening to chakra tones for hours on end. Have finally set up the Secoya hammock I picked up years ago in the jungle - it's in my living room, totally in the way, but makes for an amazing space cocoon; naps and watching movies, just yes. Also, ALIENS - the world seems to be freaking out a bit - likely equal parts distraction and disclosure - having some experience here, perhaps I could attempt contact again, see if any answers congeal. Maybe we should rent an RV in september for the big party. Probably not tho.

 

 
  190424
17:21pst
3 Swords • Sorrow
CASH
 
 
    A year ago my best friend died. He was almost 13 years old.
    I adopted Cash in Toronto in 2005. His sister Daisy passed just before we moved to Vancouver in 2007, and from then on it was just the two of us. Cash and I went though a lot together.
   

 

 
  190420
0549pst
The Tower
INSOMNIA
    Two weeks ago I stopped going to therapy. Have been seeing Dr. Clark weekly for about 4 years, and we get along. We're dealing with generalized anxiety and depression, result of trauma and everything else. My plan is a three-month hiatus to see what progress I can make on my own. I know the field but have been procrastinating the actual work, which is mostly sobriety and socializing. Aim is to confront this stuff directly, and to gauge a more long term barometer when we resume sessions in July. Except now I can't sleep.
    This is night three or four... I'm up late, doing little, and then turn in and lay awake. When the sun comes up I'll drift until early afternoon, maybe later, and procrastinate getting up. I'm out to grab coffee and breakfast, then probably home for the day. Every day. I'm (still) not exercising, or even working much. I bounce from screen to screen until it's time to lay down again, and this week even sleep is breaking down.
    In the fall I started an actual meditation practice which held up for several months. I still have the space and technique, but have slacked. And I know an awful lot of what's wheighing on me will dissolve with continued good sitting. It's almost like going to the bathroom, just letting detritus pass away.
    ALSO required, of course, is plenty more moving around. My stupid glorious body is going to fail again if I don't move it around more, so exercise will now included. I'm going to get this right. There is still so much work to do.

 

 
  190410
0216pst
Lust
HOD
    HOD (הוד) is the eighth sphere on the Kabalistic Tree of Life. The word means Splendour, Majesty. Its planet is Mercury (☿), and its colour is Orange (Queen scale).
    As of Mercury, here do we also know Hermes and Thoth, Odin and Loki, and Hanuman! Here we burn of Opal, resourceful like the Jackal, and know protections of the Moly herb. Here from the Tarot we know Swiftness, Indolence, Interference, and Prudence. May we grok the properties of quicksilver and of the sacred cactus button, and liven the air with Storax. Here we feel Comfort of The Holy Ghost from Scripture, Him that inspires, Him that heals of plague. Here May we know Diana of Rome.
    We come Here to Know the Transcendent Moral Truthfulness of our situation. Here we are in the Third of Four Worlds, Yetzirah - The World of Formation
    We call upon MICHAEL, Great Archangel of the South, He of The Fire Wand, Secret Chief and Teacher from Realms beyond knowing, to guide this Working! We dedicate this Year of PTWF to HOD, and to The Splendour of The Eighth Sphere. We call upon all those Named and all those Not to nudge us along and guide us in unlocking the Mysteries of Form held herein.
    We seek these aims humbly and without prejudice, for the ultimate benefit and ascension of all humankind. 93, 93. Ateh. Malkuth. Ve Geburah. Ve Gedulah. Le Olahm. Amen.

 

 
 
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