3 Swords • Sorrow
A year ago my best friend died. He was almost 13 years old.
I adopted Cash in Toronto in 2005. His sister Daisy passed just before we moved to Vancouver in '07, and from then on it was just the two of us. Cash and I went though a lot together, all the ups and downs of a decade plus. In 2012 he got sick and needed surgery - that put us through the wringer but seemed to bring us closer. Then when I got sick two years later, Cash travelled with me to recover in Ontario - I spent most of that first month resting, and Cash held vigilant watch close by. When we returned to BC and I started working from home, Cash kept my routine going, and kept my spirits up. No sense in moping when you've got family.
In his younger years Cash would chase anything that moved, with a particular interest in string and the sink. He did his share of mousing, and it was a delight to watch him first stalk and then learn to ignore a laser-pointer, ultimately showing no interest in the un-catchable. Later in life Cash mostly enjoyed good food and naps on his warm-pad, or snoring out front in the sun. He'd still chase a toy mouse if it rattled right, and always got me out of bed in the morning. We took care of each other and life was good.
Cash was goofy and needy and stubborn and wise, all at once and all plus a million other projections. Folk often remarked on his eyes, deep and glaring, and at the size of him - Cash dropped in at a lengthy 28lbs, all broad-back, belly and big paws. A panther! My Familiar. My friend. He taught me responsibility and fellowship like I'd never known.
An infection in Cash's senior kidneys cut things short last year. We'd been back and forth to the vet but didn't catch this until it was too late. When it was time I opened the blinds and we lay on the floor at the vet together, in the sun, and our doctor helped him rest. The next day I dug a grave in the garden in front of our apartment, and buried my friend. A riverstone from Ontario rests there now, with the epitaph:
Prince of Cats
05 - 18
I miss him like crazy and every day swear to make this life better, for Cash. I haven't brought another animal into the house because things here are still a mess, and because I've wanted the time to grieve and understand this relationship, so unlike any other I've known. I am so grateful, and blessed, to have had a friend like Cash, and for all the time we were together. Love ya, buddy.
Two weeks ago I stopped going to therapy. Have been seeing Dr. Clark weekly for about 4 years, and we get along. We're dealing with generalized anxiety and depression, result of trauma and everything else. My plan is a three-month hiatus to see what progress I can make on my own. I know the field but have been procrastinating the actual work, which is mostly sobriety and socializing. Aim is to confront this stuff directly, and to gauge a more long term barometer when we resume sessions in July. Except now I can't sleep.
This is night three or four... I'm up late, doing little, and then turn in and lay awake. When the sun comes up I'll drift until early afternoon, maybe later, and procrastinate getting up. I'm out to grab coffee and breakfast, then probably home for the day. Every day. I'm (still) not exercising, or even working much. I bounce from screen to screen until it's time to lay down again, and this week even sleep is breaking down.
In the fall I started an actual meditation practice which held up for several months. I still have the space and technique, but have slacked. And I know an awful lot of what's wheighing on me will dissolve with continued good sitting. It's almost like going to the bathroom, just letting detritus pass away.
ALSO required, of course, is plenty more moving around. My stupid glorious body is going to fail again if I don't move it around more, so exercise will now included. I'm going to get this right. There is still so much work to do.
HOD (הוד) is the eighth sphere on the Kabalistic Tree of Life. The word means Splendour, Majesty. Its planet is Mercury (☿), and its colour is Orange (Queen scale).
As of Mercury, here do we also know Hermes and Thoth, Odin and Loki, and Hanuman! Here we burn of Opal, resourceful like the Jackal, and know protections of the Moly herb. Here from the Tarot we know Swiftness, Indolence, Interference, and Prudence. May we grok the properties of quicksilver and of the sacred cactus button, and liven the air with Storax. Here we feel Comfort of The Holy Ghost from Scripture, Him that inspires, Him that heals of plague. Here May we know Diana of Rome.
We come Here to Know the Transcendent Moral Truthfulness of our situation. Here we are in the Third of Four Worlds, Yetzirah - The World of Formation
We call upon MICHAEL, Great Archangel of the South, He of The Fire Wand, Secret Chief and Teacher from Realms beyond knowing, to guide this Working! We dedicate this Year of PTWF to HOD, and to The Splendour of The Eighth Sphere. We call upon all those Named and all those Not to nudge us along and guide us in unlocking the Mysteries of Form held herein.
We seek these aims humbly and without prejudice, for the ultimate benefit and ascension of all humankind. 93, 93. Ateh. Malkuth. Ve Geburah. Ve Gedulah. Le Olahm. Amen.