01:34 pst
alright then, it's 2012 now.
time to acknowledge & release the demons.


23:14 pst
plenty to write about shortly - Burning Man was a colossal amazing paradigm-shattering experience, one i may never truly 'recover' from... has been a couple weeks now; am home but feel changed. Galactivation!


21:09 pst
about those cayman adventure glasses..
washed my hair this morning for the first time since before the jungle. went to the doctor's to renew asthma prescription pre-desert; head to work; wearing shades, specs in pocket; fishing around for ipod, my glasses slip out; i don't notice, probably due to unfortunate noise-cancelling headphones (which sound awesome but seriously put me in a vacuum.. was nearly hit by a car t'other day..). anyhow noticed glasses lost at coffeeshop and backtracked. "oh good, that looks like them on the road... o hell, a car has wrecked them." Ordered new glasses (for tomorrow), home todiscover asthma prescription lost also, so back to the doctor..

something fucked up going on. feel like i'm still travelling -- the airport to airport part (was in 8 different airports this last trip). life since has been slippery, surreal, kaleidoscoping downcycle of what's been so far. easy work week led into days of full indulgent slack. tomorrow i fly to toronto for a weekend with the family, of whom i've been thinking a lot. back monday for a frantic edit of footage joe will just be returning from south africa with. intense work week then drive to nevada. slack. family. work. BURN.


22:55 pst
what's next


1:37 am Grand Cayman
Have traded my humble jungle cottage for HBO and room service, about to spend the last of 5 nights at Westin Grand Cayman. Kristian, a good friend and colleague I've known now for a decade, was just married down the beach in a beautiful, simple ceremony (to which I wore the same ceremony clothes used in Costa Rica). After much drinks and dancing and merriment am now back in the room, packing up to fly home tomorrow. Suddenly find myself kind of emotional, almost tearing up for the first time this trip. It really has been one helluva ride.
On top of the profound shamanic workings, while I was at Guaria two baby horses were born, and we watched seven baby sea turtles released into the ocean (they need to crawl from the beach, and in that few meters of struggle their entire internal compass is wired for life). I met some amazing people who will remain friends, connected with nature in a profound way, and even hiked up a volcano back outside San Jose. Here in Cayman I've indulged in fine dining and much sleep and beach, drinks and dancing, as well as meeting even more amazing people. Most of us went out on a boat yesterday for the bachelor party; food drinks and reef snorkeling, and perhaps most amazing of all, swimming with sting rays - they eat right from your hand and are mad friendly, another amazing experience. Lost my glasses in the sea (lost the case in Miami airport so should've seen it coming), so final island adventure was obtaining a new pair today before wedding, one last (successful!) escapade. Might be nice to have gotten laid, but sex chakra is shut down for shamanic work anyhow, so probly best not to've thrown that energy around just yet. Experientially diverse, this was probably the best tripn I've ever taken.
And now the real world looms. I return both completely drained and fully replenished. The road of course is daunting and unknown, but I take it gladly, head on into the great oncoming mystery. Am grateful to be surrounded by such wonderful, loving people, and to have opportunity to share these placetimes with them. I am grateful for the sun and moon and sea and sky. I am grateful to be alive, for every millisecond spent in this precious body instrument. I will remember to breathe. I will remember to live.

I have everything I need.


9:52 pm Costa Rica - Alajuela
Full of magic
And lo we have passed through the abyss! I did not expect to type those words, but there they are - perhaps my long dark night has truly come to a close.
Ceremonies were amazing, challenging, transformative. The first night was a re-introduction, a series of 'oh right, it's all made of magic' moments, then a bringing to light of all my faults and insecurities - a long challenging night. Second ceremony was even rougher, battling demons and facing my fears, learning the necessity of taking better care of myself, both physically and emotionally. At the same time understanding that I needn't be so hard on myself; there is compassion and grace - these changes i must make for myself, not to please or impress any outside awareness. My body is a precious instrument, and will simply function exponentially more powerfully if properly tuned. There is more to learn when I am prepared. On the third night I asked to learn the way of grace, and through states of struggle and bliss I believe an understanding of simplicity and servitude to have permeated me strongly. I also asked the medicine to advise me in getting a woman - I revived the message 'if you build it, they will come' - understanding that if I properly prepare myself and my home, creating a strong and appealing package, that things really will fall into place. Throughout the last evening was an additional visionary struggle, and when I'd conquered it I found to have gained knowledge of directing energy with my hands.
The Secoya are an amazing people, their elders truly otherworldly creatures - they are attuned to an energy both powerfully pervasive and unbelievably subtle - I am blessed and honored to have had opportunity to work with them. I now rest with an amazing charge, a rejuvenation of spirit, reminding me with every breath of the glory and splendor of the universe. The world is pretty fucking amazing, and may we never forget it.


2:11 pm Costa Rica - Guaria de Osa
And lo! I am back in the jungle
So what has transpired? Some months ago I struggled with the 'clean year' when a sudden urge to shroom became strongly consuming. I designed a ceremony to contact The Holy Guardian Angel, which was semi-sucesssful. Contact and brief discussion occurred, but much of the trip was spent fussing over minutiae, and a friend showed up in the middle which transformed the energy some. And as I'd decided to use cannabis as a stabilizer during the trip, I again had weed at home - which became an issue afterwards.
This returning habit became worrisome, but in May opportunity arose to participate in an iboga ceremony up on the sunshine coast. Despite short notice, i leapt in head-first - a fast body cleanse and diet, time hastily booked of work, and off we go to the lands of our ancestors. The ceremony itself was myself and nine others, plus two shamans, in a yurt by the ocean. Was somehwhat surprised (tho not really) to find my friend who showed up at the angel ceremony there as well. Three days and two nights on location followed by thirty days of clean, conscious intention. First we fasted, then ate 'the Wood' all the first night, every hour. There were trancelike visions, though much of it is dreamy and mysterious. We are instructed to do as little as possible, understanding that mighty currents are raging just below the surface, that what actually transpires may not be understood until later. The second day is the death state, where we drift through the lands of our ancestors, neither truly present nor away. It is a grey day of dreams and paralyzed stillness. After dark food is brought in, and we eat together from large plates - rarely has nourishment tasted so pure! After dinner we lie still, then take more Wood, and then we dance. We dance for hours, to wake ourselves back to life, to thank the spirits, to celebrate life. Then we rest, and take breakfast together the next day, and then depart, changed.
Life resumes, and in the subsequent weeks much personal garbage bubbles up and away. During the thirty day fallout we take no drugs or alcohol, and heightened spiritual awareness gives everything a sheen... It is during this time that I decide to attend a second Reality Sandwich retreat here in Costa Rica, just under a year from my last experience. The decision is hasty and one I would question in the days approaching ceremony, but as the adventure grew nearer everything falls into place and feels right, obviously the correct next steps on my path. I cleanse again and diet, and work like the dickens to prepare for a two-week absence (I will be here for 10 days, then to Grand Cayman for the wedding of a good friend and colleague; another convenient synchronicity).
The night before departure I finally see Malick's "Tree of Life" to set the mood - enhanced slightly by the iboga tincture I have been occasionally micro-dosing with - the film is a profound symphony, exquisite and moving, a masterpiece undeniably linked with the themes of this next adventure. "Once you understand The Way broadly, you may percieve it in all things." I do not sleep and fly out at 830am, through Dallas.
On the flight though I am struck with a wave of dizziness and nausea. It passes and returns again - this time i become ill. I purge violently, quivering and sweaty, unable to keep down even water. Landing in Dallas I am too weak to reach my connection gate, and require a wheelchair. Paramedics arrive. I'm diagnosed free of dangerous symptoms but strongly advised not to fly again this day, so spend the night at the Super 8 Dallas, arranged by the airline. Food poison and/or exhaustion most likely. I'm still sick at the hotel but eventually calm and am able to eat some crackers. I sleep for nearly 15 hours straight.
The next day I return to the airport feeling well-refreshed, consume a great smoothie and board the flight, surprised to find I'm bumped to business class! (and thus potentially spoiled on coach forever, but this is another story...). I eat on the plane and land uneventfully, picked up by a driver and brought to the hotel outside San José. After another good sleep I take breakfast and journey again to Guaria de Osa - a drive, a flight, another drive, a rough river and ocean boat trip, then hike to the lodge, where I am well-received a day late.
I learn that i've missed the first of three purgative ceremonies, though participate in the next two - for these we rise at 3am and drink great quantities of a weaker brew of the medicine (yajé, or ayahuasca). As is tradition under the Secoya elders (our shamans this time, from Equador), we drink and drink and purge and purge - the goal in these rituals is to empty oneself of any burdens or personal crap we might let go before the second ceremonies; the more formal rituals beginning tonight. Now cleansed and prepared, I await the journey to higher realms, commencing shortly.
In addition to ceremony, here there is natural splendor of such majesty - the ocean, the beach, the jungle, plants and animals - it's a world so far removed from the city that just being here takes one to another state, one which again I'd nearly forgotten. I feel blessed and cosmic, looking forward immensely to the next stages of this journey.
Oh! Intention - what am I doing here?! Just before the iboga ceremony I read a story in which the prevailing metaphor was 'being awake, but not wanting to get out of bed' - it resonated. If my first ayahuasca ceremonies were an introduction, an awakening - then the present endeavor is all about getting out of bed. You grok all this amazing mystical phenomena, miracles in everything, but what does one do with it? I'm here this year to take what i can from the medicine, understanding of myself and the universe, and integrate it into my everyday life. Simply put, I am here to learn what I need to know.
I just swam in the ocean. Talk about cleansing! Just before this, a girl Celeste did a treading for me from her Angel cards. They said I was aware of my angels, so divine beings could communicate with me through miracles, and I might notice. My angel is here, and I maybe must ask for guidance a bit more for help to manifest (can also think of this as asking my higher self). They saw that I am seeking (and have been for several months) answers to questions, likely social/relationship-oriented - that I would not find these answers outside - I should go deeper, that answers dwell internally. My 'career' in the next few months may open up, and I must embrace a light-hearted, almost whimsical attitude towards these issues; that this attitude could benefit me and those around me in dealing with new issues. Finally I am seen to have a powerful energy, which sometimes I may shy away from - this is likely to intensify in the coming months, and it is my responsibility to shulder this in full, to utilize this power in the fullest sense, again to benefit of myself and those around me. All of this makes tremendous sense, much truth resonates in this reading. The cards drawn were called Miracles, Guardian Angel, Enchantment, and Power. Here. We. Go!


23:08 pst
i'm a
32 now, man o man. reckon just one more year to get my shit together, but feels about right. this is the year. watch for it!


20:44 pst
and it does it goes, and so it keeps on goin. started the site-update feelin optimistic, adventurous a month ago - but now winter's got me and looming the grim. initial entry was gonna address how 'initiation never ends' - how all this heretofore and heretocome integrates into what it is, process, going. something like that. where are we now?
going tho, no doubt. miss the slack of yesteryear, taking up reins still seems tiring and endless. always something else, no time, always more to do. sometimes i miss weed like crazy, others i wonder if stopping has even made a difference. of course it has, undeniable as far as extracurricular involvement goes, but still - baby steps. directly involved now with the
evolver crowd, assisting both the local chapter and main office with video and technical whatnots, putting my otherwise whorish professional skills to some good, offsetting corporate doldrums and getting involved with some good, progress-minded people at the same time. the group can seem wishy-washy - someone pointed out to me that by definition, anarchists tend to be poor at organization - the hope though is that strong ideas will transcend ideology and map an obvious course. i tend to refer to the group as hippies with purpose, tho obviously like most things this is an oversimplification. modern outlook makes me skeptical, while apocalyptic side of me is happy to be involved with folks considering new models.
will admit to drinking some socially, altering parameters of the 'clean year' somewhat. not doing it alone, this remains goldenrule, but am trying to date... and is tough to date girls and not drink at all. is tough regardless, but c'mon. am not getting drunk as such, fulla moderation, tho a few drinks seems so far a swell way to loosen up and talk to someone. and big social events just aren't the same - dry holiday party season was really a bummer, and i'm going to a wedding in a couple weeks, would like to not worry about this stigma. again, moderation. excuses i know, may regret not doing the full clean-year - but presently willing to accept the trade off for properly hanging with girls for the first time in like a decade. have burned thru two quick rounds of digital-spawned romance, and maddening as it can be am glad to be somewhat getting back in the game (much as it pains me to think of it as such). couple more promising leads, and met one really awesome chick, who seems quite into me... who lives in philadelphia. spiteful bitches sometimes be the fates...
still so much to do. at times overwhelming, want to just go back into the coma. but synchronicity flies fast and furious, relentless. since i stopped smoking have been dreaming again - am at times shaken by these manifestations, writing em down now n then, only to be shaken again on revisiting. the world seems clouding, accelerating, again and again and again. i twist in it, we all do, one way or t'other, and i don't know that things will get easier. where are we now.
still regret not ever being in a rock band, music such music, maybe is never too late. do you wanna be in my band? think we're called ALL CAPS. rocked some at a friends karaoke birthday last week, perhaps my first solo gig ever, and was kinda something. knew midway thru tho that drink had me off-key, then after came home and mistakenly kicked the couch-leg, breaking a toe i think, likely instant karma for breaking my fast. moderation!


23:25 pst


last yearmailbrad