00:12 pst
has been a while! maybe the first time i didn't even blog on m'birthday. turned thirty, so perhaps that's part of it. so where'd we leave off? christmas. home in athens, found out vancouver had gotten very cold. pipes in our 100+year-old house there burst, and a section of the ground floor [where i live(d)] flooded. my side of things was basically fine, though months of renovation to repair/restore everything else meant i needed to move.
so i moved. returned to bc and packed it all up, found a new place nearby, and here i am. an apartment building, on the ground again, though not beneath a house, so full-height ceilings (on first use, the shower seemed cavernous - is just normal size). caught a mean cold right around that time and started drinking a lot of fruit juice, a habit that's continued. good stuff.
have tasted in the past few weeks both ayahuasca and peruvian torch cactus, with mixed results. slightly botched preparation in each case, less than ideal set and setting... results were interesting, somewhat clarifying, though not the breakthrough kick-to-the-head i was looking for. answers to some useful questions though, no wasted experiences.
ultimately i'm just looking to break from my rut - things are moving, i can feel it, and i'd really like to be fit to take on the wave when it hits. really i just have to change some habits. easier said than done - ramifications of this sort of change can be life-altering, so it's easy to slip. clarity, and perhaps something else, is close. work, treacherous in this economy, becomes challenging. a documentary to finish, and RedRobots seems to be gaining some traction, but... paid work is becoming slim. everyone's waiting. southpark points out that the economy, like a religion, only works if people have faith in it, and keep it running. but if those people are losing their jobs...
i keep saying we just need to hold it together until the robots thing hits. will see! easter now, another astronomical pagan jesus weekend - multi-party endorsement suggests something perhaps profound. oh, and [bgproperties="fixed"] apparently doesn't work in firefox - how do i do this then?


00:41 pst
ontario tomorrow (today), athens via toronto, home for the holidays for two whole weeks. briefly considered not going this year, but now tremendously glad i chose to. look forward to getting out of the city, family, friends, goodness.


02:35 pst
shit shit fuck shit. have realized that it's entirely possible that 'Brad' is just sort of a program that 'I' am running. this occurred to me when contemplating my relationship to [the world|my life|(everything)], and noticing that, "i'm not really paying attention that much, i'm just sort of running the program," -- that program is my goddam identity!
have relatedly begun to refer to 'Brad' in the third person, noting that 'he' is merely a construct of ideas, conditioning and expectations, and not necessarily representative of my full potentiality. the name has all these implicit implications - baggage - 'Brad is a good boy, bad boy, does his chores, goes to his room, does what he's told,' - this is not an identity we have much say in the formation of, and as we become self-aware it can, should we choose, be discarded (tho sometimes with considerable effort required). i have no urge to change my name or discard my identity, tho do find myself identifying the 'Brad' [persona|conditioning] as another element in the greater equation, one to be considered objectively when needs be.


00:50 pst
and then
friday i blogged and went to sleep. saturday, i wished drunkbrad had eaten more the previous evening. sick and sore thru dusk, tho fine later on. watched documentaries and ordered in swisschalet. sunday saw
quantum of solace w/ kelly.


1:44 am

and i should do this, and i should do that, and ever the constant chatter, babble, reminder - what i should could would be doing if only... even this here is just a piece of that - ever troubling, ever present - but this [log] is just a splinter, a fragment - never believe for an instant that this is the whole picture.
tonight was our seasonal office party, and it seemed to go well, a few hundred people. i noticed though, both now and during the party, an unsettling preceptive disconnect. which is to say that i'm now totally drunk, and yet totally aware of the drunk brad and his actions. i [see|saw] Brad talking to people, flirting even, and continue to drink and play his role in the evening. after midnight he takes a cab home, and walks around the block once to smoke a joint. then he comes home, strips and falls into bed. he wonders if he should sleep, or blog, watch TV or masturbate. each option seems viable, and regardless of the decision he looks forward to the inevitable lack of responsibility tomorrow (Saturday) brings. the cat seems ready to sleep, but Brad figures he should stay up a bit, do something, at east to stave off the hang-over.
the disconnect is not a particularly new occurrence, though i was surprised to find it so prominent this evening.


22:45 pst
i've been meaning to say something for some time. not sure exactly what, but something. i've stumbled again it seems, back in the old rift. familiar, counter-productive behaviors. boredom and solitude, the world racing by. something must be done. there's no question about it. time.
what this will be remains uncer-- well, i'm thinking really it's iboga. we'll see how that plays out - i've often heard it described as '10 years of therapy in 24 hours,' which i think could do me a world of good. everything has to change, nearly my whole routine abolished, and it seems overwhelming. one thing at a time just might not cut it here. this of course mirrors the outside world, where the everything seems to be barreling towards endgame, faster and faster. became genuinely concerned that something big would happen this month, something disastrous, though am suspecting was just
zeitgeist paranoia. still, the economy's collapsing, and this is no joke. it still doesn't seem real, i'm pretty disconnected - in a way that world stopped seeming real to me some time ago, just a big imaginary social-construct... but i recognize the gravity of this particular idea system, and that it's collapse has the potential to fuck a lot of people on every level. i've had an idea for a hybrid cooking/gardening show, that explains how to grow your own food and then prepare it, eventually a season-box-set on being self-sustainable. i worry about living in cities.
i was in vegas for 36 hours, labour day. it's become a blur, though even right after coming home it seemed unreal - the memories didn't fit within my context, sandwiched between vacation in ontario and the workweek in vancouver. surreal fragments. won at blackjack, tho was yelled at by a kind lady dealer (don't touch the cards). great food, dinner and bottle service 64 floors up, overlooking the strip. i fired guns. [even this seems unreal though - it wasn't really cathartic or anything, i didn't feel particularly focused or powerful. something for a split second, but barely a connection between what was in my hand and the target a few metres off. perhaps alone or with friends in the desert would be different - this was a gun shop, where you buy ammo and go into a cramped range, where guys load for you and show you the deal on all the different weapons. it's kind of cool, but also cramped, loud, and rushed. for the interested, i purchased 5 rounds for a desert eagle handgun and a package enabling me to fire an MP5 SMG, an AK-47, and a 12 gauge shotgun (and a free t-shirt). the gun guy yelled at me too (know how to fire an ak-47). i kept one my targets, a shotgun-shredded, poster-sized osama bin-aden.] this is just a few surreal hours, an afternoon sandwiched between the spectacular evening mentioned above and the night prior, wherein i gave a fair amount of money to a prostitute whom it turns out i was too drunk to fuck.


15:22 pst
this isn't mine, it's from
Beaks' obituary at AICN:
"I don't know why David Foster Wallace hanged himself yesterday, but I'm acutely aware of the troubles which might've driven him to unthinkable despair. I can hear them issuing from the television in the other room, which is tuned in to an inconsequential professional football game in which I have zero interest. After I finish this half-assed obituary, I will likely stroll back into the living room, crack open a beer and be numb for a few hours. I will not feel because to confront what's become of our world is to hurt, and to be powerless in the face of it is to grieve. Turn back, turn away, do nothing. Barely be. I am not immensely pleased."
seems to me there's something profound in that. blog isn't live now, but should go up shortly. remind me to write about vegas. yikes.


01:14 pst
language. language is the building blocks - it might be the very stuff, tho manipulated by us - we can shape it! we get to shape it! but once we shape it, it is not the stuff! language is never really the thing - it's just a symbol of the thing! so language separates us from [it|source], creating illusionary layer after layer of... [mis|direction?] BUT! language is also the great enabler, separating US|WE from all other species - it allows us progress through cooperation and enterprise! perhaps it will lead us eventually to true recognition and escape from the masquerade, reunification with IT|SOURCE.
   language, alphabets, seem to [be|construct] both the only prison and the only key: everything that matters is the product of an alphabet - civilization the world over - in this sense language is key! tho we all know of times when words aren't needed, of thoughts that can have no words... if there is no word for a truth, can it be taught, spread...? our very thoughts construct of an infinitely limited vocabulary... in this sense language is an ultimate prison...
   alphabet. ALPHABET! it all seems to start with the ALPHABET.


01:23 pst
the work
The first blog entry here, and with it the site as beginning it's present evolutionary course, went up sept 22 1999, almost 9 years ago. before that i'd thrown up a few versions of different things, beginning with an essay project from high school, 'the media age,' mostly to test the technology - this was the first anything i'd put on|into the internet. that project was finished in spring '98, and the site would've first gone up late '98 or early '99, (hopefully the first versions are archived on another computer someplace). anyhow it was hosted on a free Tripod site, and it was pretty cool. so if that was the beginning then the work is nearly a decade old. pretentious of me to call it that perhaps, but from where i sit this is the longest [project?] i've ever been involved with. and from another perspective this is just my tiny little slice - i'm a minor contributor compared to so many, to countless more to come. the point perhaps, is that history is being recorded now in a very interesting way, don't you think?


16:20 pst
reality seems to be a multi-dimensional construct unfolding before us, of which we perceive only a small fraction - though the course of its development may be determined, perceived, experienced - in whichever manner our imaginations [desire|deem relevant].