i am ok
that was a bit heavy. i've yet to leave my job. the way may be through it. shit. i'll know what to do. i'll figure it out. i've not been a very good friend to some people of late, and for this i'm really sorry. i'm alright, i'll come out of this. you'll see me again.
my folks have sold the house we grew up in, just shy of 19 years in kanata. it went quick. they've got themselves a spot on lake eloida [?] near athens ON, about an hour soulthwest of there. i haven't seen it yet, but the pictures look great and they both seem pretty excited. brotherdan is stressed, finding a place to live. he could go with m&d, but his life's in town, and job's going really well; the commute would be rotten. the house closes on his birthday, at the end of september.


the end?
is coming.
uggggh. i think i have to quit my job tomorrow. it's sucking the life from me at an alarming rate. i mean, it's all i have here. i have no friends, no hobbies, next to nothing - but this job. and i hate it. i leave here everyday depleted and bitter and just wanting to get stoned as quickly as possible, and dragging myself out of bed the next day to do it again is the hardest part of my existence. This is no way to live. I understand that this lifestyle, this industry, this acceptance - works for like 90% of the population, and that's great - for them. but it's not for me. to me it's bullshit, it's just stupid bullshit propaganda and i hate stressing over it... i don't want the career i've been working towards anymore. i'm dying inside, and i blame this place. i think i'd rather be homeless in 10 years than still be working in commercials (not that i've any plans for immediate vagrancy...). but i don't think this path is the way, and even the promise of riches at the end isn't worth losing my soul along the way.
i'm still relatively young and responsibility-free. if i'm ever going to take the shot on myself, now's the time. i won't make my final decision until tomorrow - yesterday i was thinking that if i keep this job i could take a CG course AND take my trip to Peru, and wouldn't that be swell. but i think i gotta be brave, believe in myself, above all this shit, etc. blah and just fucking do it.
i think the difference between what the world seems to tell us we are and what we're actually capable of becoming is like the difference between a circle and a bubble.
this all seems so caustic. i've been meaning to write about this decision, over which i've been stressing constantly, since the entry below (a month ago). i'll say more when i know what's what. hope you're well :)


the fucking cycle
i am at work. i'd rather not be.


hey now. how are you? i am fine. been a while. s'alright.
remaining solitary, consuming media mostly. finished the Illuminatus! trilogy and watched a doc on one of its authors, Robert Anton Wilson • Maybe Logic... wheels are churning. found this week an awesome little piece about imagining ten dimensions:
http://www.tenthdimension.com/flash2.php. nice.
have solidified a spec commercial into storyboards, working on another. have begun a script about robots, fun, perhaps epic. thinking today i'd like to learn a bit about metalwork or modeling, that i might make little robot sculptures. perhaps. still h8 working in advertising, no longer watch broadcast television at all. have been playing with myspace. be my friend.


time is my bitch
watched the end of Sopranos for this year, episode began and ended with a Stones song... i believed to be called Moonlight Mile. my version of the program cut off the end credits, so i couldn't be sure - wanted very much to hear the song play out also. google 'sopranos' > the official site, there is a link off the main page to 'itunes' > episode guide - music, current ep is default, top of the list:
Carlo arrives at his house and End Credits.
Artist: The Rolling Stones

there is a 'buy it' link > itunes opens to the album page, Sticky Fingers, one more click and a password and the song is playing. the whole process takes less than a minute. technology rocks. now!
DENIED! i tunes will not allow me to share the song with you. bah!
**UPDATE! there's always a way. bless Russia.


quicksilver and the yellow mouse; all hail discordia!
last night watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - have seen each of the HP films only once, and so have borrowed to watch em all again. surprises during the film, and more today:
• just prior to watching the movie, finished rereading an issue of The Invisibles, #10. in the story a character finds a puddle of 'quicksilver' - a mercury-like substance which goes on to play an important role in the rest of the series. it is described as "Molten imagination, the bricks and mortar of the universe, endlessly morphing, infinitely pliable. Liquid-looking glass. The door to Everywhere." [
see more pages]
• was a bit shocked to see in the film a scene i'd forgotten, wherein Hagrid finds a puddle of the same stuff! called something different tho, click below to see what i mean:
• earlier in the film, Ron is talking about a spell to turn his familiar rat yellow. i noted this scene, and though why would anyone want to make a rat yellow? in the film the spell doesn't work - but today perusing the internet, completely unintentionally, i stumbles across this image:

apparently one might want a yellow rat for it's novel similarity to one's favorite Pokemon.
• at work began my day by pulling clips from Home Alone 2, directed by Chris Columbus - can't think of the last time i saw a Chris Columbus film before this week, has been years - but he directed the first two Potter movies too. and one of the EP's on Home Alone 2 is named Emily Radcliffe - Harry Potter of course is played by a kid called Daniel Radcliffe. connections seem inescapable. all hail discordia!


something good about TV
ottawa this weekend was swell, bussed in Friday and went right downtown. enjoyed tremendously walking around the byward market, ate a beavertail and saw a busker light his head on fire.
the soft disaster put on a fantastic show, and good to see friends as always.
sunday drove home w/ dad (he's in town this week), had dinner together then came home and caught what turned out to be the series finale of Malcolm In The Middle. i really enjoyed this show in its earlier years; haven't seen it much of late but was pleased to see things wrap up nicely. below is the end of the second act - it starts kind of silly but by the end of the second scene i was floored - strong ending that put the whole series into context, awesome. click to play.


fever dreams
out last night to see Mission Impossible 3 - was badass. between this and Lost, JJ Abrams has officially made me his bitch. came home and drank most of a large bottle of extra strength Benylin. not sure how much of the drug my system absorbed before i started throwing up, but i guess it was enough. can't believe teenagers do this at parties; sweating profusely, dizzy, unable to sleep. stupid high, really not that pleasant, will not do this again.


symphony no.9 in D minor
a long sunday. home from vacation by thursday, sore throat which by friday night had become one fucker of a cold. so no work friday, and a surprise long weekend, so have five whole days to re-acclimate before going into work again. not that i'll complain, but am actually looking forward to going back, just for the stimulus. clean almost two weeks now - didn't smoke at all when away, finished what little green i had left the first day home, and have refrained from buying more. thinking clearer, crisper, and i'm bored. spent this loooong weekend resting n recuperating, sleep movies and soup.
california was magnificent. a week of drinking and parties with some of my best friends in the world. really, amazing through and through. and
tuxedos! vancouver afterwards a love-fest, good times with good friends, weather like paradise. sunburn, and proud of it. men don't deserve weeks this good, best time i've had in as long as i remember.
which of course makes coming home a bit of a let down, a cold shock to wake up the next morning in my dreary apartment in this dreary city. sober seeing things differently, having been through the ordeal of travel and bubbling emotions thought it'd be good to sit over a beer and talk to someone about this, a good friend to hear me out... and realized that there's really no one. no one! not here anyhow, and telephone's aren't the same. even then... is there anyone who really knows me anymore? realizing that this habit i'm kicking has had me possessed so completely, insulated me from the world [from myself?] so much that i've just boxed myself in tighter and tighter, letting things slide away and filling the voids with smoke. an ugly reality to wake up to, to be sure.
but i am waking up.


black vomit
• have been watching HBO's Big Love (Bill Paxton and his three wives). tonight watched episode4, which i missed in context (have seen up to ep6) and went back for. Paxton's character, also named Bill, dreamt hearing an unknown clicking sound. later out hunting, a wolf appears threatening his son - Bill shoots and kills it. at home in the garage that night he hears the same clicking sound, and turns to see the wolf approach again growling, its nails clicking on the driveway. he turns away for an instant when one wife distracts him, and then the wolf is gone.
• tonight just after this episode, i found in my itunes an album i've never heard of, something i have no memory of ever downloading or importing. the artist is called Wolf Eyes, an album entitled 'Burned Mind'. curious, i put it on. the first track is called Dead in a Boat:

i don't quite know it qualifies as 'music'. the date on the files is groundhog day 2005. it's kind of horrible, but i am intrigued. it's not the type of thing i'd imagine holding onto for any reason (save perhaps its extreme nature?). i listen to the first few tracks, then skip to the longest piece, an 8m14s epic called
Black Vomit.
• last night in an episode of South Park, Cartman experienced a revelation when he realized that the world did not revolve around him. there was much shouting, and as he spasm'd about in horror his body radiated energy and morphed quickly through a few different forms before he collapsed to his knees, vomiting up a black tarry substance.
• there is a brew i have read about called ayahuasca. it is a medicinal tea prepared by shamans in South America, from the jungle vine Banisteriopsis Caapi. the drink is used ritually for cleansing, healing and revelation; its key component being the hallucinogenic alkaloid N,N-dimethyltryptamine (DMT). i've read a number of trip accounts regarding this substance, one of best being a piece at National Geographic. In this case the author journeyed inward, confronting some pretty heavy demons over a number of sessions. Vomiting is expected with dosing this brew, especially when dealing with heavy emotions; in this case, with her first dose the writer vomited up 'black specks the size of dimes' - following her last, a small black snake.
the synchronicities continue, daily. less when i'm not paying attention, but they still jump out and shock me sometimes. i smile and wonder some. things are a bit crazy. i'm kinda looking at the world in a different way, reading and investigating ideas that in some respects are changing everything... and in doing so i've [irresponsibly?] lost touch with some of the general practicalities of living my day-to-day. bored n disinterested in my job, financial concerns, culture, myself. it's a strange place to be. that i'm a bit of a shut-in, and a bit of a drug addict doesn't help much.
i'm going to california though, for a week. it'll be another world, a sharp comedown, and by the end of the week, when i'm part of the wedding of one of my best friends, i wonder where i'll be at. hopefully a bit quicker, more lucid. participatory, awake, and maybe even with a bit of a tan. (and maybe a quivering wreck!)


putting things off, but shit keeps happening. gaeh.
• for some time have been pulling towards Wonder Boys, but watching other stuff instead. (broke, so revisiting my existing library rather than renting newfilms). on more than one occasion watched or considered an episode of Firefly, also Serenity. anyhow, finally watched Wonder Boys on the weekend.
• Alan Tudyk, the pilot in Firefly/Serenity has a significant speaking role in Wonder Boys (though of course i'd never recognized him before).
• have been sporadically rereading The Invisibles; the [story] has five primary characters, one of whom is a transvestite. a sheman of surprisingly similar appearance features in Wonder Boys. read a news blip with Katie Holmes lamenting her early film roles, and though she did do a lot of crap Wonder Boys is pretty stellar.
• this week and last have been watching HBO's Deadwood - it is awesome.
• today read an article concerning dessent within the US military under Rumsfeld's 'civilian' command. mentioned of note is a book published in 1997 about Vietnam - from the article: "Dereliction of Duty, by H.R. McMaster, then an Army major, now a colonel. Based on extensive research into declassified files, the book concluded that during the 1960s, the Joint Chiefs of Staff betrayed their constitutional duties by failing to provide their honest military judgment to President Lyndon B. Johnson and Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara as they plunged into the quagmire of Vietnam. When McMaster's book was published in 1997, during the Clinton administration, Gen. Hugh Shelton, then the JCS chairman, ordered all his service chiefs and commanders to read it and follow its lessons to the letter - to express disagreements to their superiors, even at the risk of getting yelled at. William Cohen, Clinton's secretary of defense, echoed the sentiment. Ever since, Dereliction of Duty has been a must-read for all senior officers."
• ten minutes into the Deadwood ep i watch tonight, s02e01, a character says "I was raised believing dereliction of duty is the one sure way to happiness." (contextually flirty)
[webinsanity note: when watching the show, the aforementioned titular simile caught my ear and i thought to note it here - but on review i couldn't make out the end of the quote ("...Dereliction of Duty is the...gehmubmlegeh") - i wanted to know what was said, and in less than a minute i was able to find a transcript of this episode of Deadwood and the line in question, starting at Google. apparently there's a popular theory that Artificial Intelligence may eventually develop independent of direct human intent - that it'll just pop up someday on the Internet. a common idea on the most likely place for something like this to happen has it placed on Google's servers; index/archive of everything, so much of their indexing is already done by AI bots sent out into the net...!]
• this episode of Deadwood ended with the Bob Dylan tune Not Dark Yet, which also features prominently in Wonder Boys - commentary notes that this song directly mirrors the protagonist's journey through sections of the film.
• should probably mention that the protagonist, Michael Douglas' character, is an aging pothead writer, creatively stagnant, struggling to follow up his success' earlier in life. at the end of the film he gets of the dope and writes a new book.
• he does give his drugs to Alan Tudyk.


P-Orridge / Rushkoff
surprised to hear my name on the radio this morning - i wake up to BBC news, and today they're discussing the Microsoft antitrust issues in Brussels - the EU is threatening to fine MS €2M per day. top Microsoft lawyer Brad Smith is apparently optimistic.
• this morning on the can was reading an article by Genesis P-Orridge (about Austin Osman Spare).
• this evening on the can, was reading a comic book called Testament by Douglas Rushkoff; the name Genesis P-Orridge appears on a display screen, seemingly unconnected to anything else in the book. below it is the name G. Morrison - a reference i presume to Grant Morrison - was reading an article on him this afternoon.
• curious about P-Orridge, i read the Wiki on him and find that "In December 2003, Genesis Breyer P-Orridge, calling himself Djinn, unveiled PTV3, a new act drawing upon the early "Hyperdelic" work of Psychic TV, [his 80's band] with media theorist Douglas Rushkoff among its members.


lost sopranos oz
they're coming fast and furious now, again wasn't going to mention this one, but it became a double. wonder why television is playing such a big role, though at this point i probably shouldn't.
• this evening watched latest episodes of lost and sopranos. on the subway home also listened to the lost podcast, where ep damon lindelof quotes the spiderman credo, "with great power comes great responsibility."
• character on sopranos uses the same line.
• there is a new character on lost named Henry Gale. the name is significant in that it's a reference to The Wizard of Oz - Henry is Dorthy Gale's uncle - Auntie Em and Uncle Henry.
• this week's sopranos ended with the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow.


when it's cold i'd like to die
• two days ago i was surfing the net, checking profiles n such, reading people. a girl, i don't recall her alias and without a picture has the logline when it's cold i'd like to die. this sounds bleak but i recognize it also as the title of an old moby song.
• that same day, throughout the day, i was downloading and putting to disc Sopranos s06e02. i've just watched it this evening, strong episode featuring Tony living out an entirely alternate life while comatose (i suppose kinda like that startrek where picard has a family and learns that pipe-thing). anyhow Sopranos the episode ends in Tony's head, with the song when it's cold i'd like to die.


Sarah Vowell
• watched Gigantic today, movie about They Might Be Giants. on stage they do this thing called spin the dial - they plug an ordinary radio into the PA and spin it along the radio band, pausing for a few seconds at anything coherent; snippets if dialogue, a familiar riff, whatever. takes about 5 minutes, dial spins to the end of the radio band and then the concert resumes.
• couldn't be included in the film for obvious reasons of copyright, but one came to me from online if you're interested;
Spin The Dial
• the cut-up techniques of William Burroughs and Brion Gysin involve slicing snippets of existing media, recorded works, and reassembling bits them out of sequence to create something new. reportedly Gysin came upon the idea upon noticing the cut up remains of a newspaper he'd been using as a cutting-surface. the concept that all of reality is in some way recorded and thus may be sliced up and rearranged according to whim and will reveals itself in many of the works created by both men following this discovery. in one instance, Burroughs explains the concept to a peer by channel surfing, flipping randomly, rapidly through the channels on a television.
• one of the interviewees in Gigantic [A Tale of Two Johns] is writer/historian/etc Sarah Vowell - her voice is also featured on the commentary, which i listen to.
• afterwards on tv Monsters Inc (which i've only seen on a a plane) is finishing - it ends, and in need of more Pixar i put on The Incredibles - Sarah Vowell's very distinct voice is again featured (she's the invisible daughter, Violet).
have tried to hypnotize myself a few times now, but just keep falling asleep.


war within a breath; elastic reality
• saw V for Vendetta tonight, enjoyed quite a bit. Portman is awesome. script isn't perfect, stumbles a bit coming out of the second act, but some strong themes, nicely explored.
• one such involves coincidence - as things come together there are numerous mentions of the unlikely coincidences driving events, eventually coming to state outright that there are no coincidences.
• on the way home ipod shuffles me first to Rage Against the Machine, which after the film and today being today me want to drink and riot. i take the subway though, and following the Rage i get Jackson again.


June Carter
• over dinner this evening i rewatch sopranos_s06e01, curious about the aforementioned quote. later in the episode a character is watching Kubrick's Paths of Glory. [i like that Sopranos continues to use extended scenes of characters just watching tv.]
• i put on Paths of Glory, and though i've seen it before i enjoy it a great deal. surprised to find that Sopranos had rearranged the scene they used. the film is set in France, concerning french soldiers in WWI - it's all acted in english. after watching it through i flip on the french dialogue track and watch a bit - it's an original track from 1957, and the dubbing's pretty good - Kirk Douglas doesn't sound right though.
• i stop the disc mid-scene and flip to television - Johnny Cash concert on PBS, looks to be early 90's [pbs now sez '94]. he and June sing Jackson, and then June starts talking to the audience. in french. (she goes on a bit, translating.)
• was considering past synchronicities for anything worth mentioning, recall the M&Ms ad using an acoustic version of the Postal Service's Such Great Heights - the first time i saw this ad i was royally shocked, having been listening to the original version just moments before. i decide, however, that this happened some time ago and isn't worth mention in this chronicle of the present.
• 23:08, i see the 10s version of this ad slipped into whatever's broadcasting while i type.


• last month i watched The Sopranos seasons 2-5 on dvd, in anticipation of the returning 6th season - it premiered on HBO this past sunday.
• this weekend/week i've been reading a good deal about William S. Burroughs, specifically his work with Brion Gysin in paris concerning 'cut-up' techniques.
• on tuesday i downloaded the Sopranos premiere, burned to disc yesterday and watched it last night after writing here. The episode opens with an extended montage of all the characters, w/ ambient music by a group called Material - the VO features William Burroughs speaking a monologue on the 'Seven Souls' of egyptian mythology.
• digging today, i discover that the passage is from Burroughs' 1987 'Western Lands' - though i've not encountered any reference to this book in recent readings, it is the only work by William Burroughs which i personally own.


an unrelated bit
this is something i cut together today, reference for a job. none of the footage is mine, i just kinda like it:


it's come along that i'm looking for a journal of sorts to record some of what i'm experiencing - synchronicities, dreams, whatever seems relevant. after briefly considering a pocket notebook (but so much of what i experience is electronic!), it became obvious that i should use this journal right here (which i haven't been using for much else of late). thus the entries may i suppose become seemingly irrelevant or unintelligible... but in some ways that's often the case here anyhow. i'm not sure if anything will come of this, but i reckon to give it a go.
[this one wasn't today, but friday last i think - has stuck with me though, so it becomes the first [intentional] record;]
• at work, i am posting location photos online, of downtown toronto; there is a parking garage in one with a sign above the ramp leading underground - 'MAX HEADROOM 2.0m' - i read the sign and think of the 80's MTV/Coke guy fondly, wondering if this situation is where where the name originates, such had never occurred to me before.
• that evening i am watching the film Serenity with commentary on - in one scene a character reacts to a subliminal trigger in a TV broadcast (there is also a security camera behind the screen) director joss whedon notes this, says something about 'evoking a bit of Max Headroom' with the 'TV watching you' reversal, notions of subliminal messaging.
[today;] • at work, i am working with commercials - i open a number of quicktimes to pull stills - i open one spot to many - the spot i do not need is
Emerald Nuts - Matador
• concurrently, my itunes is on random; johnny cash is singing Matador.
• on the streetcar, the person standing in front of me has a backpack reading 'JAGUAR S' ('Sport' beneath it).
• i transfer to the subway, the guy across the car is wearing a Jacksonville Jaguars jacket, on the back 'JAGUARS' and the logo in large lettering.
• i am talking with a director about how i reference video clips in an online treatment; "we just work in a line explaining the clip; 'have a look at the lighting in this clip of, whatever, grapes' and then that links to a popup window."
• later i emerge from my office to find a co-worker enjoying a bowl of grapes. (i have one)
• come home, turn on the TV, ross and rachel are talking about getting married, and eating a lot of grapes






brad | last year